Purpose and grief

It has been a year and 4 months since Micah died and I have been struggling with how to "get on with life."

For a long time after Micah died I continued on with ministry, but did not have much passion for it. At times in the moment I could talk shop with other pastors or minister to others because I was supposed to, but most of the time I did not have a drive and a real care for or about others in the same way I used to have. It is not that I had a crisis of faith and stopped believing the things I once believed.

On the contrary, my personal trust in God and confidence in the truth of the good news about Jesus has become even more sure through this time of sickness and grief. But in the past I felt a direct calling to share this good news and to care about people just like Jesus had. Since Micah's death the world simply seems a little darker and sadder and therefore I have less passion for it. In fact, whenever someone jokes about doing and going to heaven, a big part of me simply says yes that would be great!

On the other hand, like Paul said in Philippians 1, I know I still have responsibilities toward others here and so I will remain as long as God calls me here. As an example of this I have felt an extra passion to care for and love my immediate family, but outside of that the passion has often been lacking. Taking a 2 month sabbatical and getting some grief counseling has helped me learn to be intentional in my grieving, and it has also given me enough space to again begin to consider my calling and purpose in life. At times it feels like a betrayal of Micah to go on with life and get back to "living".

On the other hand, when Traci and I hear (as we did last week) a teaching about the need for so many people to know about Jesus, well my passion is renewed for making Christ followers. I am not yet sure how this works out with my new understanding of loss and pain in this world, but I do know that without the hope provided by my relationship with Jesus I would be in despair.

When I talk about Jesus now, I don't want to give the impression that He will simply make everything all better right away. Rather, life will likely still be pretty hard, but now I know that He is the rock which holds firm when all the world seems shaken. I need Him everyday just to make it through the day. After experiencing the loss of my son I cannot generate enough hope and passion on my own and I see nothing in this world that can give me lasting hope either. If I can do nothing else, I want my life to shine for Jesus. At the same time because of Jesus, I have hope for the day when I get to see both Jesus and Micah again face to face. I want more people to have this hope as well.

I love you Jesus. I love you Micah! See you in the morning.

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