What to say to a grieving parent.

My 11-year-old son, Micah, died 5 years ago of complications from kidney failure. I wrote this just 5 months after he died, and only changed it a little to share it now. If some these comments seem stark or harsh at times remember they were written from the perspective of someone who recently lost his son, and that if you are talking to a grieving parent they may have similar raw emotions. The other grieving parents that I have met sure did.

Here are some things that people said that helped and some that didn't.

1. Say you are sorry for their loss. This is almost certainly true, because almost everyone is really sorry to hear of a child dying, so you can say it sincerely and it is received sincerely. Also, you can stop here if you want. Unless you really want to go deeper and enter into the grief, you don't have to go any further. That is enough.

2. Ask about their child (or any loved one who has died). What was he or she like? I love talking about Micah. I don't want to forget about him, and I like when other people take an interest in him. Be prepared for tears though, when you ask a grieving parent about their child, it is likely that we are going to cry.

3. Don't attempt to stop a parent or anyone who is grieving from crying. It is a very sad thing to lose someone you love, and crying is an appropriate response. If you don't want to deal with grief, then don't get into extended conversations with people who have had major losses.

4. Platitudes don't really help. Many times we are not quite sure what to say, so we just throw something out there hoping that maybe it might help. In this case, it might be better to say less rather than more.

5. Take the time to get to know the parents and their child, and then we will know that you care about us and are not just trying to throw out some words. I often get the feeling that people are trying to soothe their own feelings about the issue or to get me to tell them how much I appreciate their concern. Most of the time I have the social graces to endure this type of "comfort" in silence, but the emotions of a parent who has lost a child are pretty raw, so don't expect a lot of comfort coming back.

6. Unless you have had a very similar type of loss, please don't tell me that you understand or go into your story of loss right away. All losses are hard, but they are different. You may have really loved your grandma, your cat, or your high school buddy, but comparing your loss to mine does not help me. Even if you have had a very similar loss, no person experiences grief in the same way, so you do not really know how I feel. This is again another way to make the conversation about you and does not help the person who is grieving. If you show genuine concern and get to know the other person and show interest in the person they have lost, then they may be interested in your loss. This is kind of what happened in the grief group I attended with my wife. Each loss was different, but we all listened and we all got an opportunity to talk.

Ultimately, nothing you can say will "make it better," and no one expects you to fix it. Your presence, love, and care will be remembered if you can just be there. Finally, make sure you are still there and still remember their child / loved one in the months and years to come.